Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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