just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
