hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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