Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
