she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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