shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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