I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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