I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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