I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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