see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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