Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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