Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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