Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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