When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
