well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
