I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
