Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
