i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
