I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
