i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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