I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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