I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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