If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
