My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
