I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
