I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
