Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
