he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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