my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
