So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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