At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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