I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
