Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
