So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
