Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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