Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
