i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
