Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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