I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
