Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
