but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
