He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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