Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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