I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
