why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
