When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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