At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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