fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
