he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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