FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
