They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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