Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
