I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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