I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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